In my first post on this blog, I spoke of being honest with yourself or you can never write. And today I’m f-ing around online, and I notice that there is this article about dating, and one of the things on there was this section about how you can’t wait to try and date someone until all your ducks are in a row. And by that I mean, you can’t wait until you’ve lost all the weight you want to lose, you’re out of debt … blah, blah, BLAH! Well it isn’t what I meant; it’s what the chick who wrote the article thinks. In my first podcast I associated publishing with online dating, and while I was at the conference there were these agents who kept using the dating analogy while trying to describe finding and keeping an agent. Someone even asked the question of submitting to multiple agents, and one of the panel implied “would you date someone else before you knew that the person you’re currently dating is or isn’t interested.” Well I thought, after reading this article about dating, I had the perfect opportunity to make sure that I try to make everyone understand although everything is true, it’s equally true that nothing is. Dating is like writing, but by the same coin, dating isn’t like writing at all. I actually do think that you don’t need to have all your ducks in a row before you date (unless you’re on your way to prison, or you’re married or something equally significant), because even though I live my life this way (I never date, and the odd few times that I do, I find myself on a date with someone who could never be long term.) I actually do believe that everyone deserves to find love on some level. I do feel that everyone deserves not to be alone all the time, but maybe I live my love-life like I live my writing life … I don’t feel that everyone needs to write, and furthermore, I don’t think that everyone in the world deserves to be published. I do think you need to get your ducks in a row before you can ever make a go at being a writer. You need to lose the proverbial weight, so to speak, in order to trim your style down.
In both my writing classes, and at conferences I’ve heard people mention the prospect of using a pen name in order to keep themselves anonymous. Whoever gets the question usually doesn’t answer it, and being that no one ever asked me the question I decided never to risk an answer. I obviously use a “sort of” pen name being that I only use my first name, and it’s for reasons of … well I’m not looking to be famous or anything. I’m also not looking for any random person to goggle my name and get this blog. So in that sense I think a penname works, but then again, I’m not looking to be dishonest, and I’m not looking to say things I don’t mean, or am embarrassed of. I honestly wouldn’t care, and actually all my friends do know of this blog and podcast, and most of them (if they’re any sort of friend at all) has listened to it. I think that these things are completely different. In an earlier blog I wrote about my life and how I used to try and write about it and not be honest for fear that people would take my ramblings as an owner’s manual of sorts, and forget that any thing I write is written in that moment of time when it was true. It might not be true for more than a minute, but for that minute it was true and I stood behind it. That’s life, by the way, all truth exists in a moment in time, and beyond that moment emotions, feelings, and sometimes events meander through a thick cloud of interpretation and thought. I wasn’t honest, though. I could say whatever I wanted, but I wasn’t honest for two reasons, first in that I didn’t yet know what the truth was for me, and second, what truth I did know I was embarrassed and ashamed of. I think those two things mean an awful lot. I’m not sure if you can write if you’re ashamed of your feelings, and how you interpret things. I’m not sure you can write about anything if you’re afraid that someone will figure you out, and that scares you. I’m not sure you can write unless you’re willing to put it all out there and be naked for the world, even if what you’re writing about isn’t true.
I just posted a short story; it’s called “Him.” It’s not true, but I posted it for a reason … it’s true in the sense that I’m not afraid of that side of me … In order for me to write something some part of me must be in that character … somewhere. Look I realize I can write about a serial killer with distain, and likely the details of his exploits will make me cringe and probably cry … but somewhere in this character I write about must be something I can relate to, and am not afraid of. The worse it is, the better that character will be. I must be able to relate to something, and not be ashamed that I can … does that make sense? I think the worse writers are those who write about vanilla things, for fear someone will figure out their weirdness and I think the good writer is okay with people figuring out that they’re weird.
In that story “Him,” I write about a guy who is lying about his first time with someone … it’s a pretty graphic story, and I need to write something someday about the graphic nature of my work, and how it itself is way for me to distance myself from the words I write … but right now it’s about honesty. Somewhere in me I found this guy. I found this guy who was insecure about his life, and ashamed about where he came from … I found a guy who found comfort in “not” being with anyone, and the security of not needing anyone in his life. He was empowered by his inability to connect. He was empowered by the notion that he could lie and borrow his past from his imagination, and took calm in the sense he could keep people at arms distance while holding them in his arms … The details of this guy’s life aren’t mine, but I do hold people at arm’s length, and I find solace in being alone, and I find strength in not needing anyone in my life, so in that sense this character is honest and alive … I find being as honest with people as I could makes my life easier, but somewhere in me there is this guy is my fear of people, and my fear of being hurt by them … and the very real strength that I gain from it. I’m not saying it’s a good way to live your life, but it’s my way.
So what I’m trying to say with all this soul searching is that in order for you to find interesting characters they don’t have to be you, but they do have to come from you … and they can’t come from you if you don’t know who you are …
