It’s strange to me that no one has noticed that I haven’t been posting to my blog, nor has there been an UnpublishedNotDead podcast in a long time (although the Reno Show rocks). Well folks, my creativity has been at a halt, and no one seemed to notice, and me with my undying belief that the world stops when I leave a room was left with a empty feeling that perhaps that’s not true at all, and the world continues when I’m not around. It’s not a good feeling, to say the least. I’ve been creatively inactive, but not creatively absence. There is a difference, and I’ll attempt to define it.
Now most of my life I’ve been standing around with thoughts and notions that fill pages, and minds alike, and without the wherewithal to censor it at all. I’ve been shitting out stories and ideas and essays without ever caring about where they have been going, and that’s a good thing. About seven months ago I went to this writer’s conference in Squaw Valley, and while I was there I met several people that I thought I’d stay in touch with. There was this thoughtful sensitive girl who reminded me of one of my friends from high school who I had inadvertently lead on, who ended up marrying this toad of a guy she called “The Muffin,” and got all religious and hates me now. There was this middle-aged woman who had kind things to say to my face, but when she critiqued my work, I was amazed how un-thoughtful her observations were. There was this great guy who I could have been best friends with, if only he hadn’t been married with three kids and a driveway to shovel every morning. There was this quiet guy who went to the same college as me, and he stuck the inner intellect in me, much like my friend Steven had struck the inner geek in me years ago, and made me understand that it was okay to have warm thoughts about Star Wars and laser disks.
But they weren’t meant to be, and yesterday I got a birthday card from the crazy girl whose work I didn’t understand, and who I didn’t quite get … she ended up being a brilliant writer, and a wonderful person who I’ve been lucky to get to know these past couple months. Everyday I get these warm messages or occasional emails from the quiet girl in the corner who wrote the prose that I wouldn’t have expected, and she gives me encouragement that she can only give … it’s hard to get encouragement from people you respect; you mostly get it from people who care about you and don’t want to hurt your feelings.
I guess the absence of creativity stems from being so dead wrong about things, and my work, and the people who surround me in my life. My friend Brian once told me something that changed my life. I had been trying so hard to fit into a group that didn’t want me, and he told me “like the people who like you.” It was a simple thing, but in the long term it has served me well. I think that philosophy has morphed into “Like the people who like you back, and the rest of your life will follow suit.”
Okay, okay, what the fuck does this have to do with my writing. Well my friends, it is all about cycles. It is all about where you are in your life, and where you’ve been, and how often you look at where you’ve been and mistake it for where you are. That’s where I’m at, if I must get personal. I haven’t been writing because I weighted my life down with notions of old. I started writing again because I love to write, and then all of a sudden, I got caught up in contests, and making money, and writing for other people, when the reality is I write, and have always written because I like to read what I write. I’m back though. I’m back to being the same person who loves his friends, and his life, and I’m getting a puppy, so expect a new short story within the week, and expect some more blog entries. Also expect a new UnpublishedNotDead podcast soon … and thanks for continuing reading even though I suck.
