MATT AND BEN

Here’s a little short story I just wrote. I dig it, but my writer’s workshop says I try too hard to entertain, and I didn’t give my main character any real depth. I actually disagree with that, but I have to honestly say this isn’t the best thing I’ve ever written, but it’s fun to read … enjoy.

Written on Matt Damon and Ben Affleck Facebook Wall: 02/06/06: 03:32:43 PST By: Kael

Guys: I caught you! Oh you thought were all clever, and for a long time even I was fooled, but there was always something strange about you two, and I’m not attracted to you in anyway, so don’t flatter yourselves. I’m not gay or anything, even if your Hollywood friends may have told you all about my fan letters to Tom Welling from Smallville (I know how you guys all talk.) No matter what anyone says, they are strictly because he is Superman and I have respect for his position in our society. It was at the Academy Awards when you won the Oscar for Best Screenplay for that Good Will Hunting “movie” and the cameras went into the audience and they showed that you and Ben had taken your moms as dates when the light bulb went off and I knew it. Larry knew it too, but it was subconscious for him at first and I had to tell him so that the knowledge of your deception would be drawn to the forward part of his brain, and we could be outraged together. Now you guys are way too much like Larry and myself for it to be a random occurrence. We would have taken our mothers as well, and not because our girlfriend situation is a little dry right now with Larry’s girlfriend still up north in Seattle where he met her when his family and he went on vacation when he was 15, and mine having problems with her cell phone company which is causing her to have to change her number every time I get it, but because we are just those kinds of guys.

So Matt and Ben, your friendship just happens to be just like Larry’s and mine in every way possible? I don’t think so! For months now I’ve been aware of someone following us on the streets, but every time I look behind us the two people look completely different. I knew that the people following us (probably taking notes on their expensive PDA devices that they bought from making money copying our friendship), had to be brilliant in their disguises. It didn’t take me long, after the award show, to realize that the two people following us were actors! I know that although you guys won your Oscar for your screenplay, your original job was as Actors!

Hey look guys, it’s not like I don’t understand your obsession with us; Larry and I are the perfect pairing for best friends there has ever been. After I was kicked out of my mom’s house that week in November of last year, I had begun to experiment with controlled substances. Now don’t get me wrong, I was not doing the hard-core stuff. I wasn’t doing whole beers, just enough to get a really good buzz going. My first couple meetings at AA were okay, but I realized I wasn’t ready to make a firm commitment to never drink beer again. After all, I’m only 36 years old; I have a lot of parting left to do! So anyway, I’m at the Christina Aguilera concert waiting in line to buy some beer (and that last part was foreshadowing for the big event that is about to take place, Matt and Ben, so brace yourself, you might as well know exactly how our friendship started since you are committed to copying it) when this girl, who was behind me, asked if I could score her some beer. I told her that I don’t do things like that, no matter how mature she was (I knew she was mature because she was at Christina’s concert and not Brittney Spears. I wouldn’t even consider buying a beer for a 13 year old at a Britney Spears concert, but Christina’s fans are much more mature, because Christina’s music is so sophisticated.) She then turned around and asked the guy behind her if he would. That guy said no as well. I realize then and there that I was going to be friends with this guy. Not only did we think alike, but we were both Christina fans and we were both waiting on line for beer at exactly the same time. Oh! And we both turned down Amber. (I know her name is Amber because when I couldn’t finish my beer I gave her the rest and she introduced herself. She was pretty nice, but she said that sometimes her Girl Scout leader was such a bitch that she needed a beer to mellow out. I understood that, because I had the same problem with my Boy Scout Leader, but my story didn’t have a happy ending since they kicked me out last year because it was taking me too long to get my Eagle scout badge or other made up reason, I forget now.)

After my beer, I went back into the concert (they don’t let you drink inside) and for some reason Larry stood out in the crowd. Now Larry’s pretty normal looking, so the fact that I saw him in a concert with all these people must have meant something. Larry later said that he might have stood out because he was 350 pounds and was six foot five and mostly only teenaged girls like Christina, but that’s only because he’s a little sensitive about those extra ten pounds. It’s hard to keep your weight down, I know because I’ve been doing the Deal-A-Meal for two years now and have lost a total of 13 pounds and now I’m at my goal weight of 280, so I just do it for maintenance now, and because it’s fun to lift those windows when you eat. I caught up with Larry after the concert, because again, I saw him through the crowd, and gave him my calling card. I had 500 cards made up so that it would be easy to give girls my phone number when they asked for it, or appeared interested. Man, in a million years did I ever think I would use one on for a guy, but trust me, I’m glad I had them that night. I had also given one to Amber so that she would stay in touch because she hinted to having pictures of Christina that she was willing to trade. She never called. I was hoping that she wasn’t lying about the early day pictures of Christina in her Mickey Mouse Club days, but being that she never called me I can only believe the worse at this point.

When I got home that night I got a call from Larry. You could only imagine my surprise. I had just got home from the concert, and I popped in my video of the fourth season of Beverly Hills 90210 (the season where David Silver came into his own as a real character, and not just Donna’s boyfriend, or the geeky kid who knew how to dance probably as well as Joey Fatone from N’Sync, if not better.). I, of course, like most people, won’t watch the third season where Donna Martin almost didn’t graduate from West Beverly Hills High School cause she was drunk at the prom. Although David’s father did give her the champagne, I still felt cheated by the fact that she so willingly drank it. I don’t think I would have stood outside the city hall building and screamed “Donna Martin Graduates, Donna Martin Graduates!” Actually the same thing happened to me during college. I was in my eighth year, and for some reason they had this stupid rule that you need to be at least a sophomore before you reach your eighth year. I’m sure they’ve since changed the rule, but being that I enrolled before they made it they didn’t let me graduate. I thought of going down to the Administration building and screaming “Harold Fenster Graduates, Harold Fenster Graduates!” I didn’t because stuff like that only works if you get drunk, not if you are the victim of some unjust rule.

So, Matt and Ben, I’m wise to your games, and I hope you guys do the right thing and quit trying so hard to be like Larry and I. I don’t know what kind of action I can take against you guys because to be frank, you guys are a little pitiful for doing this. I think that next time you go on a show like Oprah, or Larry King or anything like that, you can have them put on the screen under you “friendship courtesy of Harold Fenster and Larry.” I think that I could convince Larry to be okay with that.

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